• Dr. Hannibal Lecter (Anthony Hopkins): Is this Clarice? Well hello, Clarice... I have been in a state of hybernation. I need some action, Clarice. I need to come out of retirement and return to public life. I couldn't help noticing on the FBI's rather dull public website that I have been elevated to the more prestigious 10 Most Wanted list. Is this coincidence or are you back on the case? If so, goody, goody.

• Vera (Della Reese): I would tell you to kiss my ass too, but you probably can't find it, you blind motherfucker!

• Toothless Gambler (Ji-Tu Cumbuka): Now get the fuck outta here before I kick your ass.

• Bugsy Calhoun (Michael Lerner): What are you? A fucking moron?

AKA Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone

• Headmaster Albus Dumbledore (Richard Harris): Everyone will please not panic.

• Gunnery Sergeant Tom Highway (Clint Eastwood): Drop your cocks and grab your socks.

• Gunnery Sergeant Tom Highway (Clint Eastwood): I'm mean, nasty and tired. I eat constantino wire and piss napalm, and I can put a round trough a flea's ass at 200 meters. So you go hump somebody else's leg, mudface, before I push yours in.

• Robert De Niro: Don't let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in thirty seconds flat, if you feel the heat around the corner.

• Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez (Sean Connery): You have the manners of a goat, and you smell like a dung heap, and you've no knowledge whatsoever of your potential.

• Gangster Johnny on TV - (Ralph Foody): Keep the change, you filthy animal

• Professor Wagstaff (Groucho Marx): You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy and I bet he was glad to get rid of it.

• Sean Connery: Personally I give us.. one chance of three.

• Sean Connery: Be careful what you shoot at... most things in here don't react too well to bullets.

• Sean Connery: One ping only *Ping sound*